Naruto my alternate scenes!
by DarlingKittystar
Summary: Ok this is a collection of alternate Naruto scenes that I think would make sense. Crazy and weird but very funny!WARNING BAD GRAMMAR! FIRST CHAPTER WILL BE AWFUL! I'LL TRY BETTER!
1. Chapter 1

DarlingKittyStar: Hey all you awesome readers! I'm weird (as you probably realized by now) and I'm strangely obsessed with the pairing of Itachi and Anko. I mean I would love it if that happened! So I decided to write how I would like it to if it does! Enjoy!

Setting: After running into Sasuke, Itachi runs into Anko in a club.

Itachi was sitting at a table in a club looking into an empty glass pondering the situation he just left from.

"Whoa... I cannot believe that little brat was still upset about that! That's a total mind trip..."

Anko was sitting at a table nearby him and overheard Itachi's last comment

"Mind trip?" she scoffed "I've had mind trips"

Itachi turned around and looked at Anko

'Hey she's fine' Itachi though to himself

"Ohhh Really? Mind trips huh?" He asked hee

"Yeah... Darn Orochimaru"

"Oh hey! T-That's the guy my little brother was manipulated by!"

"Are you serious! Oh wow!"

"I'm dead serious! Isn't that crazy?"

"That is crazy! I guess It's a small world after all!"

Anko let out a charming laugh at the wackiness of it all

"Yeah yeah wow" Itachi said shaking his head

Anko was then realizing that Itachi is totally hot "

Sooo what's your problem?" she asked curiosly

"Ahh, little brother has this weird 'vendetta' against me because I killed our family. I mean I let him live at least! Pfft! Never got him. Whenever my friends and me snuck out at night to the movie theaters to sneak into 'R' rated movies he was always the one to start crying about how it was 'wrong' and that 'we shouldn't take advantage of our parents trust'. Ugh He was always such a mama's boy"

"So what's his vendetta lead into?" Anko asked

"Multiple murder attempts. And he has this weird problem with girls... But I always expected the girl trouble with him."

FLASHBACK

Aanother beautiful Fangirl was following Sasuke around with the Intetion of marrying him as usual.

"Sasuke I love you soo much. I always have! My love for you is so strong! I can't even begin to describe it, but if you want me too I swear, I will recite my heavily practiced speech about how much I love you!"

Sasuke stared at her in disgust "Ugh! Stupid high voiced creature that many men follow around with feelings of affection! Why do you bother me? Don't you understand I must kill Itachi!"

"Uhuh... Oooh I love watching you talk..." The fangirl replied absent mindedly

"Person that is somehow biologically different than me but I cant realize why myself! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU?" The Fangirl cried

"The only Love I feel is the love I feel for hating... my brother... because I love.. Hating him.. Which is all I... do... Y'know what? I need a life! I want a life! The past is the past," Sasuke yelled out. Sasuke then looked at the Fan Girl who was looking at him with hope in her eyes. Sasuke realized she was attractive.

"Hey! You're pleasing to look at... Why... I can see girls! I NOW KNOW WHAT THEY ARE! Yaaay!" Sasuke jumped up and down with joy since he could finally see girls.

"Yaay," The fangirl cried while jumping into Sasuke's arms, "LETS GET MARRIED!"

"Yes! GIRLS! I LOVE GIRLS- Huh?"

Sasuke's joy was cut short when he caught site off Itachi across the street at a coffe stand.

"Yes I'd like one low fat latte" Itachi was saying to the seller "with soymilk and-"

Sasuke dropped the Fangirl and Pointed at Itachi accusingly

"YOU!" Shouted Sasuke

Itachi turned t were the screams were coming from and realized it was only Sasuke. Itachi rolled his eyes.

"Oh I swear... Look kid I'm just gettin some coffee. Please get over the whole 'I killed your family and destroyed your life thing' your acting like it hasn't happened to every other character in this show."

"NO Sasuke! Don't run away to fight that equally attractive older man!" pleaded Sasuke's fangirl.

"Eeew!" said Sasuke "Get off me you mysteriously different from me person!"

"Oh no! He's relapsed into not seeing girls again! WE WERE GONNA BE MARRIED!" And the fangirl ran away crying

"ITACHIIIIII!" Screamed Sasuke charging at said person.

"Sigh... Can I take that Latte to go?"

END FLASHBACK

"After I beat him up again I came here"

"Wow… And that happens often? It's almost as bad as when Orochimaru dumped me like trash…" Said Anko drifting off into her flashback….

FLASHBACK

Orochimaru: "Y'know sweetie, and don't take this the wrong way. You are great! It's-... It's just not working."

"W-what? What's not working?" Asked Anko

"This. Us. This whole mentor and apprentice thing.

"B-but I- I have done everything you've ever asked... I have sacrificed everything for you! I HAVE GIVEN UP EVERYTHING AND YOUR DOING THIS TO ME!" Cried Anko

"See! SEE! This is what I'm talking about! Thats exactly why this isn't working! You'r so emotional!"

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME! EMOTIONAL! I LET YOU BRAND ME FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I.LET.YOU.BRAND.ME! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HECK YOU BRANDED ME WITH! ALL I KNOW IS THAT IT GETS KINDA ITCHY WHEN YOU GO TO STEWARTS TO GET MILK!

"Oh brother... Listen I gotta go." And with that Orochimaru walked off

Anko: O.O

END FLASHBACK

Itachi: Wow... That's harsh

Anko: Yeah. Heh! Family huh?

Itachi: Yeah family, cant live with em can't live without em

Anko: Ha ha ha ha soooo you single?

Itachi began thinking 'I'm not dating anyone am I? What about that one Deidra? Wait isn't she dead?... Waitaminute… IS DEIDRA EVEN A CHICK?'

"Yup. Totally single" Said Itachi

"Cool. Wanna go beat each other up since we are 'enemies', talk about life trauma, then realize we arent enemies, fall madly in love and then have a romantic walk on the beach?" asked Anko

"Dont have to ask me twice baby!"

"Awesome" and Anko led him out


	2. If Tenten saw the Hinata vs Neji fight

DarlingKittyStar: I wrote this chapter while wondering how Tenten would react afterwards, if she watched Neji (Ahem) 'fight' Hinata. I don't think Tenten would be all that pleased lol. I'm probably gonna be changing how I write back and forth too. Ok thanks!

Setting: After the Neji vs Hinata battle.

Gai sensei: Soooo how about we all go out to eat or something? Get our minds off things

Neji:...

Tenten: Oh no! Careful Gai sensei! Going out to eat will conflict with dear Nejis brooding time!

Lee: Thats a great idea sensei! Lets go

Lee made that comment trying to avoid the storm that was a-brewing. Neji on the other hand wasn't gonna ignore Tentens comment

Neji: ( His eyes narrow evilly) Your out of line Tenten

Tenten: Oh I'm out of line? I'm out of line! You just tore apart a pathetic little girl! You tried to kill her you, freakin psychopath!

Neji: SHUT UP TENTEN! YOU DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME!

Tenten: Oh whatever! (Tenten says rolling her eyes) Dont start with the pity party Neji! Its really getting old! Waaah! (She said in a mocking tone) I'm not the head of my clan! Waaah!

Neji: Yeah well you lost to Temari! Thats what I call pathetic!

Tenten: You didnt fight her! How would you know, Jerk!

Neji: At least I know I'm not some tomboy wannabe kunoichi!

Tenten: Oh no you didnt! Yeah well you sure arent trying to be a boy with that hair! Do you condition it everyday? My mom really likes using Pantene, I'll lend you a bottle!

Neji: Hey! My hair is hot! At leats I have some hair to brush, bun girl!

Tenten: Go buy some pupils!

Neji: Yeah well you go buy... a brain!

Tenten: Clever comeback! I thought you were supposed to be a genius!

Neji: I am one! And what are you? (He start to mock her) Oh I'm Tenten! Girls are such great ninjas! We can do anything boys do! Tsunade is my idol! I wish I was Tsunade! I'm in love with her! I wanna marry her!

Tenten: THATS IT! (She pulls out her said weapon while Neji gets into his fighting stance) GET READY TO HAVE A SHURIKEN STUCK UP YOUR- Ow! Ow! Ow!

Gai: (Who grabbed both Neji and Tentens ear) I will not allow such distress among teamates! You must love each other always! Thats what a team is( He says with a dramatic waterfall of anime tears streaming from his eyes)

Lee: Yes Sensei! (Gai and Lee hug and do their usual... stuff they do all the time, giving Neji and Tenten a chance to escape)

Tenten and Neji stand there awkwardly for a moment with Neji looking grumpy and Tenten feling ashamed.

Tenten: Sigh I'm sorry. I was out of line.

Neji:...

Tenten: I was being really rude. I know better than anyone how... sensitive you are.

Neji:...

Tenten: Truce?

Neji: I'm sorry (he murmured very low)

Tenten: What? (She knew very well what he said but liked doing that to him)

Neji: Sigh I said I'm sorry.

Tenten: Good now lets break Gai and Lee up and get something to eat

Neji:Fine

On their way to the restaurant Neji spoke up.

Neji: Tenten?

Tenten: Huh? (Surprised to hear him say something)

Neji:I-Is my hair... is it really... girly?

Tenten:...uhhhh no?

Neji:... Fine

Tenten: And am I really a tomboy?

Neji: Maybe

Tenten: (nods satisfied) I like your hair

Neji: I use Herbal Essence

Tenten: o.O

DarlingKittyStar: Ok I hope you guys like it! I'll be posting another 'What if' chapter really soon! Don't forget to review! This is my very first fanfic so I need lots of support and tips!


	3. Hinata and Tenten in the Hospital

**DarlingKittyStar: Ok so Temari beat Tenten up and Neji destroyed Hinata. They both probably went to the same hospital. Doesn't anybody wonder what Tenten and Hinata would stay to each other during those long, long days of recuperation? Well I know! Read and Find out! **

Tenten bumps into Hinata at the hospital they were both staying at. Tenten felt the need to apologize on Neji's part since she is Neji's teammate.

"Oh!" said Tenten when she bumped into Hinata, "Hinata y'know we don't know each other very well but I just wanted to apologize for- ummm Y'know Neji trying to... like... k-kill you... " Tenten was thinking while saying these things 'OMG this is so freakin awkward'

Hinata didn't reply. She just stared at her with fear in her pale eyes so Tenten tried again.

"Y'know Neji, he just didn't feel well that day- with the dysfunctional family thing, and at lunch someone took the last dessert which that day were those brownies with sprinkles that he really likes and..."

"Um... Um... Um... A-are you going to kill me?"

"No!" Tenten cried at Hinata's question "Oh Gosh no! I'm just trying to say sorry for... Wow this is really uncomfortable..." Hinata finally got ahold of the fact that Tenten wasn't trying to encase her in bodily harm.

"Oh... I-I understand. I-its alright." Hinata said " Its really no big deal. All I got was a collapsed lung, broken arm, and just some internal bruising and bleeding. It's alright..."

"Gee I'm really sorr-"

"Wait no..." Hinata said remembering some more injuries" I think there was a minor concussion and broken rib cage-"

"Oh My Gosh and it was just training! I really think he was just grumpy-"

"And lets not forget the fact that he destroyed my heart, I had to eat meals out of a straw for the first few days and boy, chakra doesn't feel so great to use anymore...

"...Oooookaaaaay! Well I better get going- um lots of stuff to do.. Lots and lots of stuff! L-Like take out the tras-dog! Y-Yeah 'trasdog'!

"G-goodbye Tenten! I'd like to see you some other-" Hinata's sentence was cut off by her little gasp and followed by her coughing up excessive amounts of blood.

"OMG!" Cried a panicking Tenten "Ummm! N-nurse! NURSE!"

"Don't worry about it. Its normal- EEEP!"

Tenten turned around to see what made Hinata 'eep', and found herself facing (Speak of the Devil!) none other than Neji.

"I heard you were getting out today-" Neji was cut off when he realized Hinata was standing behind Tenten hyperventilating.

Hinata was thinking "OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGI'MGONNADIEI'MGONNADIEI'MGONNADIE"

"What!" Are you so upset that a branchy (What Neji calls Branch Members. He also calls Main members "Mainys") is breathing your air! JUST WAIT UNTIL OUR NEXT BATTLE! I'M GONNA BEAT YOU SO BAD YOUR GONNA WISH I KILLED YOU LAST TIME! JUST WAIT SPOILED BRAT! HEY WHATS WRONG! WHY ARE YOU FAINTING! DOES DEATH UPSET YOU! DID YOU FAINT WHEN YOUR DEAR DADDY KILLED MINE?"

Tenten was attempting to drag Neji away.

"NEJI! Stop it!"

"No I'm not done yet!"

"Oooh! Look!" Tenten pointed at a small Bake Sale stand "They have those brownies you like!"

"Huh?" Neji turned around to where Tenten was pointing "Oh! Cool!" But before Neji left to his delicious chocolate sweets, he said to Hinata

"Next Time Mainy" and he pointed his Index and middle fingers in front of his eyes and pointed them back in Hinata's direction. Though Hinata passed out in fear a little while ago so…

Tenten was watching Neji stuff his mouth with dozens of brownies

"Why do you like those brownies so much?"

Neji abruptly, stopped eating the brownies and stood up straight. His eyes took on a weird glassy look and he drifted off into his flashback.

**FLASHBACK**

**------------------------------------------**

A young Neji was standing next to his father and was jumping up and down near a giant plate of glorious brownies.

"Oooh! Daddy! Can I have a brownie!"

"Um son? That- That's not a very good idea-"

Just the Hiashi ran in frantically.

"GAH! BRANCHYS EATING OUR BROWNIES?" Hiashi did that painful mind thing on Neji's dad again.

"These brownies are sacred!" Hiashi cried

Just then Hinata walked in

"Oh! Here my darling smuggly-wuggly-buggly poo!" Said Hiashi stuffing three brownies into Hinata's unsuspecting mouth "Eat as many as possible!"

"Mmmm! These brownies are warm and delicious!" Hinata said cheerfully, " Um Why is that boy staring at me with pure hate?"

"Someday..." Glowered Neji "Someday!"

**END FLASHBACK**

Neji shook his head out of his flashback and blinked. After a moment he shrugged and replied

"I dunno. I just like 'em"

**DarlingKittyStar: I loved this one. Ok please review! Its gonna take me a little longer to write more since I already had the first 3 pre-written and now I gotta think of more. Ok please review if you want more! And If you have tips and stuff I'm totally open to 'em! Thank you!**


	4. Sakura and Tenten hang out

**DarlingKittyStar: Hey guys! Ok sorry I took a little longer to update. This chapter probably isn't gonna be very good, it's just that the Muse of comedy is totally snubbing me. Witch. Aaaaanyways this chapter I took from the fact that Tenten and Sakura barely ever look at each other! So what if they did?**

**Sakura and Tenten's Walk!**

**Disclaimer: Oh snap! I just realized I haven't put any of the disclaimers on my earlier chapters! Aaah! Kishimoto's lawyers are trying to break into my house! Goodbye Cruel world! I DON'T OWN NARUTO!**

"Ino! Ino you pig! Why aren't you here yet!" Sakura called heatedly. Sakura and Ino had planned to hang out together for a little while since they are always around boys they decided they needed a little girl time. Sakura, especially, _needed_ some girl time. She needed a girl to hang out with so she didn't need to think about the fact that Sasuke is, _ahem_, 'on break'. But right now as it seems, Ino ditched her.

'_Ok Ok'_ Sakura thought to herself '_ I'll just hang out with another girl! Ino isn't the only girl here!_' Sakura looked around at the potential BFF's. Hmm Hinata? No… Last time we hung out she passed out under a giant, nosebleed when I talked about how much ramen Naruto could eat. Temari? Um nah I'm not gonna touch that. The whole two angry blondes after Shikamaru thing is something all of us steer clear of. Ok everyone else is either weird or have some kind of horrible, dark problems. Just then Tenten walked past Sakura. '_H-hey! She's normal! I'll try her!'_

"Hey Tenten! Wazzup girl?" Tenten stopped and slowly turned around and looked at Sakura like she was crazy.

" 'Wazzup girl'?" Tenten asked Sakura, "Sakura what are you doing?"

"W-well I just wanted to know if you wanted to hang out?" asked Sakura nervously. Tenten stared at her for a minute.

"Um I had to go train with- Oh that's right… he cancelled. He said he was scheduled a bay-sitting mission or something" Tenten looked at Sakura's face. It was desperate for company.

"Um I guess." Tenten said reluctantly

"Yay! First lets go to the Café" And with that Sakura dragged Tenten to The Café.

"So what do you do to keep your buns so neat all the time?"

"What?"

"Your buns! They are always so stiff and neat. I mean you're always throwing and fighting and those things are always in place!"

"Um I really don't know. I just put them up and they stay." Tenten was starting to regret this decision. Sakura was very inquisitive.

"So you're a weapons mistress right?" Sakura asked. Tenten brightened up at the question. It was one she could answer easily.

"Yup! Gimme any weapon and I got it goin' on!"

"Tsunade says you were pretty good with them," Sakura said.

"…. Ts-Tsunade talks to you a lot huh?

"Mhm"

"A-and trains you. And spends time with you. And brushes your hair! And giggles with you! And cooks with you! AND DOES EVERYTHING THAT SHE SHOULDA DONE WITH ME!"

"…. Um l-lets go for- um a walk." Sakura said getting kind of scared.

"Yeah good idea. Fresh air"

They walked around outside talking and getting to know each other more. It was going good until Sakura went _there_.

"Y'know I've always wondered why Neji doesn't have as many fan girls"

"Huh?" Tenten asked

"Well I mean Sasuke has thousands of fan girls while Neji doesn't have as many"

"Why would he really?"

"You kidding me? Neji is a complete and total babe!"

Tenten tripped on a rock.

"Well he is nice looking but-" Tenten started

"Y'know now that I think about it… Why doesn't he have as many fan girls? I mean him and Sasuke are both hot, angst ridden, strong. Why doesn't Neji have as many fan girls?" Sakura asked thoughtfully. Tenten looked past Sakura.

"That's why" Tenten said pointing to what looked like a Day Care window. Sakura turned to where Tenten was pointing. Inside it was Neji and few kids who were jumping around and asking Neji to sing them a song. He started singing softly at first…

"Four lil' Maineys jumpin on the bed. Neji came around and cut of their heads! The Maineys called the doctor but the doctor said- NEJI WILL KILL ALL THE MAINEYS! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" Neji laughed insanely while the kids took a few steps back.

"…. Y-yeah that's a slight Turnoff" admitted Sakura

"Yeah" said Tenten

--------------------------------------------------------

"So Sakura what do you usually do in your spare time?"

Sakura grew quite and thought about what she does.

Sakura was on the floor of her darkly lit room, rocking back and for the whil picking at a flower

"He loves me…" she said picking a petal off

"H-he loves me not…" She grew silent. Then her eye started to twitch. Then she grabbed the petal and tore it up screaming;

"HE LOVES ME! YOU LIE! YOU LIIIIIIE! AAAAAH!" She panted, then sat back down with the flower

"He loves me…"

"Eh nothing really" Sakura said with her eye twitching madly. Tenten felt a bit uncomfortable.

"Lets go get Ice cream" suggested Tenten

"N-No! If I eat Ice Cream I'll be ruined! Food is bad! Only Tea! Sasuke loved Tea! I will only drink tea! HE RESPECTED TEA!"

"U-Um Sakura-"

"And Blue! I only drink blue tea! I PUT BLUE FOOD COLORING IN MY TEA SO THAT IT WILL BE HIS TWO FAVORITE THINGS IN ONE!" Sakura then fell into a fetal position. Tenten was once again feeling uncomfortable. After three and half minutes of Tenten standing there awkwardly with the depressed Sakura, Sakura got up again.

"S-Sorry! Just another little relapse!" Sakura said cheerefully

"Um Relapse? Does this happen often?"

"Only if I'm reminded of Sasu-Woopsie! Almost said his name again! Silly me!" And Sakura let out an overly cheerful, freaky laugh.

"… What have I done in my past life?"

"What was that, Tenten?"

"Nothing"

"Oh look at that! It's getting late! I'll se you later ok?" Said Sakura

"… Okay"

"Bye bye"

Sakura left and Tenten was standing there waiting until Sakura was far away to go home, since Tenten didn't want Sakura to know where she lived. Neji walked up next to Tenten.

"You spent the day with the Pink-Haired girl?" he asked

"Yeah…"

"What was it like? I heard she was off her medication"

"Tell Tsunade to put her back on it.

"Wha-?"

"Tell. Her."

"Okaaay" Neji said

"How were the kids?"

"Um well I didn't get that much time with them since I was asked to leave the Day Care because they say Telling young children that 'their fate is to be the dirt under The Man's heel' is unethical. Crazy People"

"I'm going home"

**DarlingKittyStar: I know! I know! It wasn't very funny. But I'm getting started to write and Cyberspace and Interview Fics and I'm gonna use some of the material from this one too. Well I'm gonna try and do the Interview fic and Cyberspace one too so Check those out! I will try to be funnier!**

**p.s. It'll be awhile until I update this one**


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